My son is 3yo and I think he is a spirited child (I agree, not a bad thing).  I am looking for a play group or something whare I can meet other parents of spirited children, and so that my son can also make some new friend he can relate with.  He is intensly smart, and so doesn't like playing with most kids his age, and I think it has something to do with he fact that they don't move as fast as he does.  Is that common among SK's?

I am also looking for non-physical means of punishment for when he tests his limits.  I use time-out, but I have nothing else, and I want to reserve spanking for the REALLY serious (i.e. running out into the street, lying, etc.) or am I looking at that wrong too?

I am very confused right now, and so is my husband.  He more so because our son completely ignores what he says, or, he barks at him.

Do you have any advice to offer?

I'm going to talk a bit then answer your questions.

One of the biggest difficulties parents like you and I face is accurately figuring our kids out.  There's no easy formula since the following diagnoses share upwards of 85% of their traits - spirited (technical term is 'difficult') temperament, gifted, DSI (dysfunction of sensory integration), Aspergers (a high-functioning form of autism), ADHD (inaccurately diagnosed a huge percentage of the time), bi-polar, etc...  Wildly different diagnoses!

So often which one(s) you end up dealing with depends on which medical/psychological provider you see first.  My sister's pediatrician wishes all of his patient's were spirited like my nephew.  He encourages her to see him for who he is, understand that it's a matter of temperament and work *with* him (which she does).  Most pediatricians would whip out the pad and write a referral to a child psychologist for an ADHD evaluation or just directly prescribe Ritalin simply because their knowledge of temperament is rather non-existent and they don't have the necessary skill set to truly help parents.

So, the best thing you can do is read as much as possible so that you become your child's strongest advocate (see our list of *Must Read* books - a good place to start).  From your initial description of your son, he sounds spirited in temperament and gifted.  There are some wonderful sites out there that will help you learn more about giftedness and how it influences behavior, etc... (check our Online Resources page under Gifted).

Now....on to your questions!

I am looking for a play group or something whare I can meet other parents of spirited children, and so that my son can also make some new friend he can relate with.

This is a *very* common situation w/ not only spirited kids, but also gifted kids (and the two share an almost identical list of traits).

Have you checked our Find Other Parents listing to see if there's anyone else in your area who might be interested in starting one w/ you?  If there is no one, why not start one!  As he gets older, you may find a better match w/in your area's homeschooling community (most groups have 'park days' that include older kids) since your son will be looking for a wider range of ages to play with.

He is intensly smart, and so doesn't like playing with most kids his age, and I think it has something to do with he fact that they don't move as fast as he does.  Is that common among SK's?

Yes, it's very common, especially amongst those who are intensely smart.  It only becomes more pronounced the older they get.  My son (now 5yo) has as much fun playing w/ a 15yo as he does w/ an adult or a 3yo (provided he can direct the play w/ the younger ones).  I always marvel at how comfortable he is interacting w/ a very wide range of ages.

I am also looking for non-physical means of punishment for when he tests his limits.  I use time-out, but I have nothing else, and I want to reserve spanking for the REALLY serious (i.e. running out into the street, lying, etc.) or am I looking at that wrong too?

I think this is a wonderful idea.  I would highly recommend reading Howard Glasser's "Transforming the Difficult Child": The Nurtured Heart Approach - www.difficultchild.com.  Please don't be put off by his emphasis/descriptions on ADHD.  The kids who come to his practice were almost always carrying that label/diagnosis and, after working w/ him for a few weeks, all but 3-5% were determined to be incorrectly diagnosed.

The crux of his approach is helping parents to understand that intensity is the fuel that drives our other spirited & non-spirited behaviors.  His Nurtured Heart Approach is a very proactive, positive one that works beautifully w/ spirited kids.  It's very easy to implement *once* you make the necessary shift in perspective (and it sounds like you're already making it).  I've had the wonderful fortune of working w/ him this past year as he brought his one-day workshop to my city and he's so passionate about seeing our kids in a positive way.  Quite an amazing man and gifted therapist.

I wish you and your family the best of luck!